If I don't wake up to the sun

Wow. I feel really dumb a lot.

I've been feeling down the last few days. No energy to exercise. And then I keep using the weather as an excuse. "Oh it's raining. Can't go walk now." As if I couldn't put on an exercise tape and burn through an hour workout inside.

Being depressed makes me eat. I've noticed that lately I've been craving chocolate and cookies more. I've also been snacking a whole lot more. I'm doing that thing where I eat even when I'm not hungry. I read this really awesome thing on Jillian Micheal's newsletter about keeping a feed journal and before you eat something, ask yourself, "Am I hungry? Do I need this food? Am I feeling depressed/happy/sad? Why do I want to eat this?"

This might be something I look into doing. I am a notorious writer and journal keeper. It wouldn't be hard for me to tote a notebook around with me all day and write every time I feel the need to sneak that third ice pop when I already had a snack.

Like I said, besides the eating, I haven't felt inspired to move. For instance, today, I didn't walk or do a video. It's bedtime and I was just going to crawl in bed without having done my crunches and weights, even though I know its just a small thing and won't take five minutes. I just didn't have the motivation to do it (or anything lately).

I was snooping on netflix for something to watch, or was going to look up old shows and the "10 Minute Solution: Carb Burner" came up on my top 10 recommendations. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. I've got ten minutes. I'm not doing anything else. Why not? I haven't moved at all today and surely I can handle ten minutes.

Hah, when I found out the video is 55 minutes long, I almost backed out before giving it a chance.

I made some space in my room and turned the volume up enough to barely hear it (our house is small and it was almost 1am, everyone else being asleep). I watched the intro explaining that there are five 10 minute workouts and I can choose to do one, some or all.

I just went with the first workout, in my pajamas and no shoes or socks.

It was actually pretty good! I keep the movements small but I felt better for having moved around. In the video I recognized quite a few of the movies from doing the Self: Your Best Butt, Fast video. It was like learning a new dance with the same moves, I was already a step up and didn't feel quite so intimidated. Though the lady instructor is very fit and FAST.

If she were a pokemon, she'd have SUPER AGILITY power.

Sometimes it looks like I'm watching a fast forward. Seriously, watch her arms whip around.

Okay, well I did the 10 minutes and I'm about to go do my weights and crunches. Just this little burst of movement is a reminder to myself that I'm not hopeless and I can accomplish this. I may have bad days, but I still can push through and MOVE.

Don't Give Up On Me

In high school, we only had to take PE one semester. That was my spring freshman semester and we barely had to do anything. Most days we "dressed out" into gym-ish clothes and then sat and gabbed about everything. It was good times for a new girl who had just moved to a new state. It was bad times for starting a legacy of sedentary lifestyle.

Towards the end of the year, our PE teacher told us that the US was doing some survey and thus he needed everybody's height and weight. The powers that be wanted to track heights and weights of all students blah blah blah. So he rigged up a scale to where the only people who could see the numbers was the person on the scale and him.

I really appreciated that he did that. I already knew I was bigger than most of my classmates, but being 15 is hard and I would have been mortified if any of my classmates knew exactly how much I weighed.

I stepped onto the scale and the number flashed in red squared letters right back at me: 190. I weighed 190 pounds my freshman year of high school. And then my PE teacher said to me, quietly so no one else could hear, "You carry your weight really well."

Dumbly, I'm sure I nodded back at him and then went to sit down, glad the whole ordeal was over with.

In the back of my mind, I knew I ran over his words for days though. Was that a compliment? Was that an insult? Did that mean I was too fat? Did that mean that I don't look as fat as I really am?

Years later, this moment came to me last night while lying in bed, wishing I could just instantly drop 5 more pounds overnight.

I think the moral of this story is, even though I may weight a lot, I can still look good and feel good about myself as I continue life's journey. I'm working my way to a better weight and I can be amazing while doing it.

Keep up the good work lads and ladies!

Her face is a map of the world

Today, M went to go get her hair cut. She likes me to go with her to Cost Cutters to sit and wait with her and then see the results when she's done. I like to go and look at their OPI nail polish selection. It's been a few weeks since M has been (she tends to go every 6 weeks, lately more). Instead of sitting inside to wait, I walked around the shopping center in the hot sun, hotness. I got a little more sweaty that my liking, but I at least got some walking in instead of sitting on my bum waiting.

I came back just as M was getting done. The same lady always cuts M's hair and she knows us pretty well by now. When I got back looking kind of hot, she asked if I had been out running or something. I just told her I been walking around the shopping center. She was like yay for getting exercising in. (M has been telling her about our walking and Salon Lady has been trying to loose weight too.) She looked me up and down and then told me she could tell it was working. I looked nice and that I used to be "thick".

Now I know that was supposed to be a compliment and everything, but the only thing I heard in that entire statement was "Damn you used to be fat. At least you're doing something about it now." I'm not one to usually focus on the negative in situations, I try to be positive and think of the fun in everything.

I knew comments like this would happen if I lost weight. Things like, how much better I look now and good I look. To me, it feels like a slap in the face. Like I was just ugly and fat before and no one said anything.

It's like this little cycle of negative feelings. To get myself out of the depressive spiral, I am going to remember five positives everyday to remind myself of how awesome I am and how much awesome-r I'm getting!

Five Positives:
1. I fit into a lot of gorgeous clothes I never thought I would wear again
2. I have WAY MORE energy to walk around and move!
3. I get to spend quality time with M during the walk/runs
4. I will be more fit and fabulous for marching band season
5. My body feels awesome!

Did I mention I went to Old Navy today? I was wearing a Size 16 at Old Navy and I know their sizes run larger than most stores. They had a fab sale today. I picked up a skirt for $6.50! I grabbed a size 14 since I knew I've lost weight (my size 16 jeans from Old Navy are falling off me!). I wasn't really expecting the skirt to fit quite yet but I went to try it on anyway to see how far away I was from the skirt fitting.

Surprise surprise. The skirt fit! I went out and told M I had good news and bad news. The good news? The skirt fit. The bad news? None of my size 16 skirts from Old Navy probably fit anymore. Oh well :)

That just made me feel fabulous!

Friday Favourites:
1.OPI Muppets Nail Collection Sneaks
2. Custom Printed Yoga Mats (Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Dino yoga mats! Too bad its $85 bucks a pop!)
3. Sweet Tomatoes
4. Self - Your Best Butt, Fast! Workout
5. Dino Vandelism

Have a great weekend, chicos!